Vincent van Gogh – Wheatfield with Crows – Van Gogh Museum

Exactly!

There have been moments in my life, starting when I was very young, when the vividness, newness, or beauty of a sight or event, or the incredible uniqueness of its peace or power – or both together – made a deep and lasting impression on my inner being.  The first time I encountered a work by Van Gogh, was one of those moments.

I saw my first Van Gogh probably from a book, probably Starry Night, maybe when I was in high school, but I think more even younger, even earlier.  I really do not remember the details of the encounter other than I just happened upon the images, perhaps by opening a book out of idle curiosity as I had heard the name Van Gogh a number of times, and I wondered about all the interest in this person.  

But…what I definitely do remember was the deep, deep, emotion of beholding something so unexpectedly and immediately overwhelming and exciting that it stopped everything into silence and stillness, seemingly suspending my breathing, my heart beating, and even time.  For I remember nothing else about that moment except for the fact that at the time, as I experienced this rush of something I had never exactly encountered before, I did not possess the words to understand or express the depth of that moment or experience within me. 

At that time of my first Van Gogh, I did not know the word or the concept of profound, which all these encounters were, but deeper, I did not know what I actually thought of the image I beheld before me, for within me there was just this vast absolute stillness, nothing forming within my depths, nothing echoing or rising to the surface.  For at that time, I did not have the capacity to fully comprehend this far beyond overwhelming touch of knowledge, of life, that this particular experience engendered somewhere deep within me.

Now while my attraction and satisfaction with Van Gogh has matured and deepened within me through my experiences of life and with time – years, decades, essentially a lifetime – I was still not able to articulate precisely the depth of that unexpected illumination of life, and that all calming silent breathing in.  But as I allowed myself to be drawn back again into those feelings by writing and posting on “Wheat Field with Cypresses”, and now by allowing myself to be open without filters or hesitations to “Wheatfield with Crows”, something began to quicken and stir within me.  

Slowly, thoughts and perceptions began to form, and then suddenly – without fully knowing the depth or meaning of the emerging word – I realized what the thought was, what the word was, that pointed and opened to an exciting description of that moment which had been so elusive for so many years.  And the elusive word for the emotion, for the overwhelming feeling, for that breathtaking understanding I experienced when I saw my first Van Gogh, was, and still is – Exactly!

Yes, that was it – what Van Gogh painted was exactly what he saw, exactly what was there before him, and what with clarity and passion he experienced.  And…for me…the “exactly” of a Van Gogh now points to that deep inner clear experience within the life of another, that communicates with brilliance, the mind and soul of another person – that unique consciousness of life – and the awe and beauty of realities that are truly beyond our own imagination and comprehension.

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